Thursday, June 18, 2009

Extraordinary Rendition, Torture, and Other Policies in the Effort to Rid the Civilized World of al-Sciurus

Do you have one of those little counters on your blog or website that tells you how many visits you've had? You do, oh -okay, then you probably get for free the report that shows you which search keywords led to your blog. Can I tell you, I have a few keywords that send people to my blog regularly: free compost, garden center NYC, lead in my city garden, plastic deer, etc. But one startles me because of its frequency: Drowning Squirrels. Yep. So, sometimes I copy and paste the keywords and Google them to see what shows up. My blog is often on the third page, but I am awed to see so many web logs, message boards, forums, how-tos, and articles that deal specifically with the killing of squirrels and often drowning. I do not know what to say other than this: If you must spend Memorial Day weekend drowning ten squirrels, obviously it is not an effective method of control. Ridding themselves of squirrels is all the rage in the UK, with the native fervor that goes along with alien species (Eastern Grays are from North America). 

All it does is satisfy weak, immature, and undoubtedly pathological thought processes when dealing with squirrels this way. If you were a 16 year old boy, the psychologist would be called in to question your future psychopathic potential. Although some say they are as intelligent as dogs, squirrels will do what squirrels do without much regard for your gardens or soffits and they cannot conceptualize the world the way people do. Get smarter, your brain is heavier than the weight of two squirrels. Figure out how to stop them short of torture and death, figure out how to live with them, short of being driven to insanity. Despite their allegiance to the Dark Side, we are better than this. 
People are sheepish about posting photos, but you will find them, some gruesome death shots.
Do not feed them. Begin a neighborhood information campaign about not feeding them. Adapt by planting things they don't care for. Use mesh on top of fruiting trees. Ugly yes, but fruit will be there when its time to pick. Put lids on your trash pails. Keep your exterior woodwork in good shape. Keep it well painted, rot free. Consider not feeding birds (attracting birds because you like to look at them, while killing squirrels because they like the easy food is, well, twice as bad). 
Squirrels have teeth that keep growing, and they need to gnaw to grind them down. They are not eating your deck, they are using easily accessible wood to do the trick. Consider a stone patio in a high squirrel area. Adapt. If you insist on killing, good God man, do it in a way that appreciates the awareness of life and self preservation that all living creatures have! Good luck.


  1. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaah! That's awful.

    At first I thought you were going to say that some 16 year old boys were at least as intelligent as dogs.

    Ag, shame (SAfrican expression of empathy with squirrel).

    A steady stream of my hits comes from people with foot fetishes. "Lick feet' pops up regularly.

    BTW I have found that the squiddels do not dig in my tubb planted with green

  2. I have no problem with squirrels around here. But I have to say, if someone told me to solve a problem by replacing a wooden deck with stone, I would tell them to send me a few thousand dollars.

  3. I wasn't saying they should replace a wooden deck with stone or concrete, but if they are building one in the future, consider the possible squirrel activity. Most people don't have squirrels chewing their decks, but I've seen the complaint on the web. If they are eating your deck, which cost a few thousand, we have to weigh killing with our leisure and financial investment.

  4. Sorry, I should have said "chewing your deck" not "eating".


    I read it that way too, should change it. Some teenage boys are as smart as dogs!

  5. Get a dog- no more squirrels, rats, snakes,ground hogs, deer, bunnies, moles, voles -though I do like the snakes in the garden. My dogs will spend hours with their noses in the nooks and crannies of the stone walls, sniffing out snakes.

  6. People are nuts, man. I showed up at a client's house, and he was chasing bumblebees around the yard, trying to shoot them out of the air with bug killer. When I asked him what he was doing, he revealed that he thought- because they were like "regular" bees, but bigger- that they were queen bees, and by killing them he could get rid of all the bees in his yard. Um, sir? Not so much. And we wonder why the honeybees are screwed?

    Regarding the squirels, I've never had a lick of trouble with them. I actually bought a squirrel feeder/annoyer- you stick a block of nuts and seeds on a loose bungee cord, and watch them try to eat off it. Imagine a pie-eating contest on a mechanical bull. Awesome. It usually takes them about two days to get really good at it and strip it bare.

  7. Well VirginiaLand,
    I'm glad someone is enjoying the squirrels! I was talking to a neighbor today and she said the squirrels ate her flowers. But I haven't seen a one. And mind you, we're in a city, my neighbors are less than 30 feet away! I've never had any trouble, but friends have had them eat the rose buds off and take a tomato, toss, take a tomato, bite, toss problem -but I think thats because their neighborhood has little in the way of trees, and no oaks at all. In other words, the squirrels live completely off the human stuff.

    That's a crazy bee story!

  8. Virginialandscaping, if "people are Nuts" that must be the reason why the squirrels are coming for us. I had one that came to my roof terrace on the second floor and dug up some plants. My in laws told me it was a big rat. I was relieved after I saw it myself. It was only a squirrel. I would perfer a rat with a fluffy tail. I won't trade a few plants for a life of a squirrel. I also agree with "new york city garden" that if squirrels live completely off the human stuff then they won't find food their natural way. May be it isn't such a bad idea considering we don't go to a farm everyday to buy fresh produces but to a supermarket.


If I do not respond to your comment right away, it is only because I am busy pulling out buckthorn, creeping charlie, and garlic mustard...